Musings by Chris and Photos by Jim
When you receive a diagnosis, everything else fades to black. A white light vibrates around the words just spoken and your nervous system shifts into overdrive. You become a liquidated mess of emotions and any rational thought has been ‘garburatored’ into oblivion. You sit in stunned silence, blankly looking out the passenger seat window, hearing only the drone of traffic reports on the car radio. Did I really manifest this because I didn’t want to travel?
There is a politeness that surrounds the language – ‘receive’ a diagnosis – as if I asked for it. There is a proclivity towards blame and guilt:
- “I must have been asking for this.”
- “I haven’t been vigilant enough in my vegan raw lifestyle.”
- “I’ve been in denial and not honest with myself.”
Three weeks into the diagnosis, I no longer care about the ‘why’. It really doesn’t matter. It just is. One individual suggests it has absolutely nothing to do with my current life. Perhaps I’m living through an unresolved past-life issue. If we think of all of us as vibrations within a larger holistic broadband of vibrations, which make up this physical life as we know it, a random vibration may have decided to hitch a ride on my soul – sensing a good environment within which to resolve this particular vibrational pattern. I have to admit a huge sense of comfort with that knowledge; a relinquishing of guilt and a growing belief I can manage whatever is required of me.
Our year of living out of a suitcase has taken a 360-degree turn and we’re sitting with a compressed timeline of appointments, opinions, and therapeutic approaches. When I was a working professional, teams were very important to implementing projects to completion. Privately, I was a lone wolf or only relied on my ever-faithful partner and mate. Suddenly, I find myself amassing a support network of practitioners, doctors, friends, and family. When I swallow my alternative regime of supplements, I think of them as my ‘healing cheerleaders’ coursing through my body assisting all my cells to work together to revive health and wellness within. I know that a team approach is beneficial in helping maintain one’s sanity. It’s also important to know what each member can contribute because ultimately, I’m taking on the lion’s share of the workload.
There is a tendency to compare cancers. Which one is popular – i.e. gets the most publicity and funding? Which one grows faster? Which one responds best to which kind of treatment? Which one has more funding resulting in more innovative and modern treatments? Which one has the most debilitating outcomes? This too I have realized is immaterial. I’m not about to sit around desiring one kind of cancer over another. This one chose me. We’re becoming acquainted and learning what we both need in order to live together. What I do know, is that with each cancer, something is lost, but I’m also realizing, so much is unearthed one never imagined existed.
I firmly believe each one of us has cancer cells within our bodies. For many different reasons, they sometimes mutate and become the kids in the sandbox kicking dirt in all the other cell’s eyes. As a past-life early childhood educator, I would become annoyed with those pesky kids who couldn’t use their inside voices, keep their hands to themselves, nor their toys on the ground. The more I rebelled against their humanness the more inhumane I became. When I embraced their message and way of being, I could begin to see their place in the larger system and what I was there to learn, live, and love about all matter of life. Their presence suddenly became less intrusive, more instructive, and joyously precious. Cancer is a similar presence in our lives. I’m suddenly inviting those cells to a sleepover and we’re learning to share space, confide in our deepest darkest secrets, and forming a sisterhood of love.
My cancer has decided to take up residence on my tongue. I find this particularly interesting considering using my tongue, speaking my mind, and being articulate has been integral for much of my professional life. I won’t go into possible treatment options. Many are far too depressing and will potentially result in an altered ability to express myself. For now, I have taken action while I wait for all test results to be reviewed. I am on a mission to visualize a successful outcome through the contributions of a naturopathic oncologist, years of research, and proven formulas at reducing tumors. Determining which allopathic approaches may be appropriate, remains on the sidelines for future consideration, until we know more.
For any of you who have regularly read my blog posts, you know I strive to speak my truth. That is why I have chosen to share my current journey. It is exhausting meeting/speaking with everyone one on one and taking the time and intimacy required to not only relive the story, but to also absorb each individual’s reactions. There is some currency to sharing en masse this way, though I do acknowledge for some, this may be shocking and emotional for you to hear. Please know I am aware what triggers abound when the ‘c’ word is uttered. It is important to allow what feelings may be surfacing to percolate, steep, and diffuse.
What I am realizing is that one more layer is removed when I reveal my current reality. There is less weight pressing on my heart and I feel freer to focus on more positive energetic vibrations. And that is where I need all people in my life to focus their attention – on love, joy, abundant healing energy, and wholeness. During this morning’s meditation the words faith and belief echoed within my soul and resonated throughout each cell in my body along with forgiveness and acceptance. It is the simple messages, the transient thoughts and considerations, the touch of a hand, and laughter that brighten each moment into a new awareness and appreciation.
I’ve never done so little each day and yet, I’ve never felt that what I am doing has ever been this important. For now we are blessed to be living in a cabin on the ocean in Sooke, BC. I am easily distracted by the vista out my window and the magnificence surrounding me. I am truly blessed.
I am grateful for this moment and my ability to express myself through written words. I am grateful for those of you who have taken the time to read and I look forward to continuing to reveal more as time and my personal energy allows. This is not quite the ‘Rawsome on the Road’, we envisioned for this year, but we do know it is a road we will be traveling. We are grateful for your presence in our life.